Chasing Euphoria - Where to Next? 6/16/20

As I walk from my car along a gravel path leading to a brick building I reminisce on my past year. This mornings weather reminds me of a time in Northern California along the banks of Mono Lake. This is the type of weather that allows you to wake up with the windows open, feeling the pleasant breeze float across your skin. As I write this I am sitting at a desk answering phone calls and staring outside. But, the memory in my mind is so clear that I can actually feel the euphoric emotions moving through my body. I can feel my eye lids slowly open and blink, soaking in the view of the snow capped mountains and green fields in the near distance. I can hear the sounds of native birds singing and the campground around me slowly waking up. I can smell the bacon a neighbor is grilling outside and the crisp wild air being blown in by the soft breeze. A wave of absolute joy feels my body. Starting in my heart and stretching out to my finger tips and toes, covering me with goosebumps. I hug my velvet comforter and wrap myself in it tighter, unable to fight the feeling of complete calm and peace. I want to stay in this moment for the rest of my life. In this moment I am free of fear, self-induced anxiety, worry, or stress. In this moment, I am a being…I am a spirit. I have no concept of past or future, I am fulfilled, and unquestioning. I am grateful and unbothered. I watch a butterfly float from one long stem of grass to the next and slowly make her way to the crystal river in front of the mountains. Watching her float along encourages me to leave my velvet kingdom and start my own journey. As I slowly unwrap myself I can see the sunlight washing over Chibi and Charlie. Of course their eyes jolt open with excitement the moment they hear me rustling about. The pureness of their happiness to see me feels me with warmth. No matter how late I sleep in the mornings or how early we lay down for bed they are always grateful to just have me there. Waking up to them for a thousand and one mornings in a row never gets old and I am always met with the same blissful excitement from both of them. I wonder if the brisk weather and dreamy views affect them the same way. They seem especially spritely and agile on this particular morning.

I throw on my oversized beige sweater I picked up in Lake Tahoe at a Goodwill. This sweater is a total vibe. Especially with my New York and Co high waisted jeans. I light my favorite fall candle and start my coffee. As I look around my colorful RV I am so thankful for this home on the road I have created. My safe space is this home, particularly the nest of a bedroom I have created. When I have a day full of being home sick or insecurity all I have to do is crawl back into my warm cubby hole, wrap myself up, and sink into the softness. There is comfort and safety knowing that no matter what road I am on or what state I am in that myself, Chibi, and Charlie are still home. One of my favorite parts of the day is walking the girls one by one and watching them explore another new landscape. It is amazing the amount of trust they have in me, to allow me to drive them in any direction and when we stop they freely jump out with no hesitation. I miss Chibi. I miss our bond. I miss her kind eyes and her ability to heal me. I miss laying on the floor and holding her and talking to her…it just felt like she understood me. It feels like she is still with me and part of me felt like she would never leave. It wasn’t even an option in my head to wake up without her. But, here I am morning after morning waking up to Charlie sadly staring at me…waiting for her day to begin. It seems like we are both kind of unsure what to do now. Our glue is gone and now we have to find a new way to exist.

Chibi and I close to Mono Lakes

This beautiful memory in California brings up a lot of emotion and visuals for me. It is interesting that some of them are connected with beautiful Chibi Mae. But, then again so is every location in 2019. This is the morning I remember missing my mother and wanting her by my side. If there was anyone that would appreciate this landscape and be able to connect with my emotions…it would be her. Thank goodness she answered my phone call and as I had imagined she was able to enjoy every detail I shared with her. I remember begging her to fly out to the middle of no where to just come sit beside me and watch the sunset by the camper. I would make her dinner, wrap her in blankets, start a fire, and not ask anything of her. Just be. I could just imagine her there…sitting beside me. Of course, she did not make it out to me that week but I did convince her to fly out a few weeks later close to Crater Lake, OR. We then drove together to the Grand Tetons National Park, through Yellowstone and to Bozeman, MT. What an adventure we had!

Our camp spot in this magical place

Isn’t it interesting how some seemingly innocent weather can invoke this amount of emotion and memory? When I woke up in the RV this morning, which I might mention is a new RV to me. As Gregory and I have fully transitioned to living together in his Class A. Anyways, as I woke up and looked around I was so thankful that I am able to still live this lifestyle. To have the ability to sleep with the windows open and feel the breeze. To look over and be met with Charlie’s eyes patiently waiting for her walk…always waiting. I am thankful that I have been able to hold onto these memories and remember the smells, sounds, and sights. I am thankful that I took a leap of faith, that one day I did hit my rock bottom, and that one day I did the ‘unthinkable.’ I am proud that I was brave enough to dive deep into the unknown. I have learned so much. As I type this I also have a feeling of fear. The fear that I’ll never get to experience these moments again. The moments of absolute freedom and living completely in the Present. The moments I have been able to point my RV in any direction and start driving. Driving for no reason. Driving for no one. The moments I stopped on the side of the road to just sit beside a icy stream in July. The moments I started to cry and tears ran down my face which were only brought on by beauty and joy. I think I have this fear because I know that my life is changing. I am looking for work...unfortunatly it takes money to fill the gas tank. I was lucky enough to land a temporary receptionist job for 4 weeks while staying in Kentucky. And of course Corona happened so that has limited the places I can explore. And last but not least we are now on the East coast. If you didn't know the East coast isn't neccesarly covered with National Parks, unimaginable mountain ranges, or crystal clear waters. I mean it has its beauty but (to me) it is nothing like the visions you see out West! Now it sounds like I am ungrateful or complaining...and if it sounds like that, I am truly sorry. That is not my intention, but that is just my way to maybe dissect why I have this fear of losing or being unable to return to a euphoric state.

Until next time...heres to chasing Euphoria!

Currently: Shepherdsville, KY. Spending time with family. We take off on July 4th to Illinois. It'll be good to get on the road again.

My babies