Fighting Loneliness - The day I wanted to go home 03/17/19

Today is March 17th…and I have struggled to write this post since the evening of March 15th. I believe I have struggled because

• I’m a natural procrastinator (unless I get a bug up my butt and decide whatever is making me uncomfortable has to go away right that instant…and then I can’t think about anything else other than solving the issue…usually like breaking up, telling someone how I feel, etc) Funny how I like to end those things quickly. 
• I knew this was not going to be a fun post. Then debated on keeping it private. Cause who wants to hear a girl that is ‘following her dream’ complain? 
• I was afraid of where this post might go. Or better yet where I might go in my head. 

I guess I am going to start with a fact. I have cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in the past 60 days. Sometimes it feels good to cry and to get all of that emotion and energy out. I know that I slept hard last night. I guess you might ask, why are you crying? Part of me wants to say that I don’t know. But, I know that is not the truth. I just don’t want to deal with it. Or a better thing to say is I don’t want to dissect why I feel this way. I just want this feeling and emotions to go away.

A little under 40 days ago my youngest sister joined me on my journey. Remember I had only traveled by myself in the RV for 21 days prior to this. So, in early February I picked her up in Kentucky and we took off out West. We drove through and visited Hot Springs, AR, Elk City, OK, Cadillac Ranch, TX, Durango, CO, Somewhere in New Mexico, Buckeye, AZ, San Diego, CA, El Paso, NM, Quintana Beach, TX, New Orleans, LA, Dauphin Island, AL…and I think that is all. Well, I know we did a lot more than that but those were the states we spent the night in at least. We soaked in hot springs, drove 6 hours in a Colorado Blizzard, walked through the Petrified Forest, boondocked in Joshua Tree, rented a dog friendly Airbnb, sled sand dunes in Texas, sat on the roof of the RV under the stars of the Salton Sea, wandered around slab city, drank hurricanes in NOLA, visited the Center of the World, and celebrated our birthdays. It was a busy 35 days!

During this time we learned a lot about each other and our selves. We had some hard and emotional moments, some moments that I would not want to have again. It can be difficult to live with someone especially when you are in 24 ft of living with them. And with 2 dogs that weigh as much as you. You notice their quirks, the way they leave crumbs after making a sandwich, the tooth paste they leave in the sink, the sand they drag into the RV. (Kind of specific, huh? Ha!) You also notice things about yourself. For instance, I learned that I am not as patient as I think I am, I am also not a good teacher and I always try to prove a point or get the person to think like me instead of letting them have a different thought process. I learned that I do struggle to understand the way others see the world and that usually I think my way is the right way.

Those are really hard things to admit but I think it does someone good to be introspective and say, ‘Hey, I have faults and I currently don’t like that I have these faults but I am aware of them and I will put effort into making small changes to improve myself for the good of myself and others.’ And that is what I would like to do.

Of course there were tough moments and conversations but there were also times when we partnered together to wrap the pipes on the RV in a Lowe’s parking lot in the middle of a sand storm before the snow started. We also had to re-install the bathroom door back to the wall in the RV after I ripped it off by pulling the extension in incorrectly. She had to mentally support me when I was at my wits in with Charlie and her obsession with barking and growling at every 4 legged fur ball that walked past the RV. She kept me calm after realizing I had just drug the Honda with the wheels locked behind the RV for 60 seconds and almost breaking the front axel. She kept me from making a scene at a restaurant due to their lack of customer service and honestly their rude behavior. Trust me…I left a review. (I’ve gotten big on those lately.) We even laughed so hard we cried while riding bicycles in Dauphin Island after a very large man on a bike quietly rode past us in the dark and scared me so bad I screamed at the top of my lungs. I think I scared him in the process, poor thing. We learned how to play the card game speed, watched 2 seasons of ‘The Simple Life’ (and cracked up the whole time) we got lost, lost service, lost our minds, and lost at least 1 important thing a day. Thank goodness…we would always find the thing by the end of the day. The pin to the tow bar, the Honda keys, the Honda, our money, etc. And it was all part of the adventure! The good and the bad. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, yes even the bad. And I do believe in Karma and instant Karma! For example: Yesterday (and this is way off topic but stay with me) I visited Wal-Mart and as I was loading the groceries in my car I realized I did not pay for the dog food bag on the bottom of my cart. I even told the lady, ‘I have a huge bag of dog food under here don’t let me forget.’ And she responded. ‘Of course, don’t try to pick it up again, it is too heavy, i’ll come around and get it.’ For a second I thought maybe she did scan the bag and I just didn’t see her so I double checked the receipt…..and…..it wasn’t on there. So…I debated, I phoned a friend, and then I asked for forgiveness as I drove back to my campsite with the dog food…What? What would you have done? Well, I get back to the camp site, feed the dogs (cause now I have food) and the dogs are being so good and they are walking with me from the Honda to the RV so I can put the groceries on the floor in the RV. Then, the dogs get in the RV and I go back to the Honda to lock it up. When I get back to the RV Charlie is cowering down on the floor, tail between her legs, ears back, and won’t make eye contact. Chibi on the other hand is licking her chops, looking me straight in the eye, and burping. I look down and notice that a pound of sliced salami that I had just waited in line for, paid $7 for, and was dreaming of putting on a sandwich was GONEEEE. They were able to get the salami out of the plastic, eat the entire pound, and back away from it in just a few seconds. Well, Charlie wouldn’t look at me for an hour and Chibi had the biggest poop of her life. So…see…instant karma. Not that my $7 of salami is the same as a $40 bag of dog food but see I got my punishment. I had been craving that salami for hours. Any who…

We are getting away from the point. The point is, I really enjoyed my time with my sister, I enjoyed our adventures, our conversations, our music lessons, and our movie nights. I didn’t realize how over stimulated I had gotten. I mean it was like one thing after the next and it felt like you never had a moment alone or a moment to soak in what was happening around you. The day I dropped her off at the airport was a good example of this. We were both stressed out over different things and a lot of things so I won’t go over them here. But, just imagine your biggest fear and then having to conquer that fear but try to stay calm at the same time. Oh and the 1 partner that you have is also stressed out of their mind and is struggling to keep it together. That kind of day. We rushed, we stumbled, we held our breaths, and we panicked to get her to that gate (without the RV and dogs in tow) Then, all of the sudden we were at security and we were hugging. And then this was it. This was it. Without many words and both of us still covered in stress we cried. She was already walking away from me and through security and there I was standing in gloomy Florida watching her deal with her fear and stress. My best friend that had been with me for over a month and now she was already gone. Just like that. I had spent so much time obsessing over her while she was on the trip with me that I forgot about everything else. What does she want to do, how does she feel, is she okay right now, how am I coming off, should I have said that differently, is she sleeping, I wish she would wake up, on and on. Everyday I had her to focus on and all of the sudden I felt like I had nothing. It was like my world just got so big and overwhelming. Now, I had to go back to the RV that was on the side of the road, hook up the Honda, walk the dogs, drive to my campsite, set up camp, and do it all on my own. The RV felt too big, the dogs seemed too quiet, the roads seemed too dark, and my emotions seemed heightened.

To be honest I rarely feel loneliness, fear of being by ones self, or being overwhelmed by too much space. But, I think that is what I have been feeling since she left. It’s like all the sudden I realized how big this world is and then I realized that I only know a few people on this planet and they are thousands of miles away from me. Then, the panic set in. ‘What am I doing? Why am I doing this? What is my goal? Is there a purpose? Why am I lonely? Why can’t I talk myself out of this? What is wrong with me? Should I just drive home? Should I sleep through this feeling?’ On and on. I guess these emotions are also a part of the journey. Maybe this is what happens when you over load yourself with something and then it just stops. Being alone can be a good thing and then a scary thing. I know that now. I think I will be thankful for having to go through these few days of being uncomfortable. 1. To know that I can do it and 2. To really dive into myself and figure out how I react to being uncomfortable or loneliness. At times I have fantasied in the past day and a half of just driving back to Kentucky and letting my family hold me and nurse my wounds. But, then I quickly stop and put things back in perspective. 

• The world really isn’t all that big. You could literally get home in 3 days. You’re fine. 
• These are just emotions. They come and go. Working through them will make you stronger. 
• What is wrong with me? Nothing. You’re human, allow yourself to feel, You allow yourself to enjoy the good moments in life, so welcome these uncomfortable moments also. 
• What am I doing? You are doing one of the bravest, soul searching journeys that anyone could and you started out doing it by yourself so you know you can make it! 
• What is my goal? Your goal is to not dedicate your life to a soul crushing career, do the same mundane thing every single day, to always wonder what if. Your goal is to take that leap of faith, to surrender to the possibilities, to take the road less traveled, to document your findings, and to help others along the way. 
• Should I just drive home? No. Life is defined by moments like these. I am as strong as I am today because I have had to make tough decisions my whole life, I have been forced to see things through, I have worked through uncomfortable situations. It is true that hard times only make you stronger and it forces you to make the best of every situation and to honestly get out of your own head. 

If we all stayed in our comfort zone and never wandered past the darkness this world would be a small and dull place. Our lives are too short and precious to let fear hold us back. So, that is my promise. My promise to myself is that I will work through this feeling, I will be aware, I will embrace, and I will grow stronger. My promise to you is that I will continue, I will encourage others, and I will continue to be open and honest!