Body image, weight gain, & health on the road 10/14/19

Even in a magical place like this...I was thinking about body image. 

As a reference I started writing this entry the week of October 10th. To be completely honest I don't know if I will share this post or what to start writing about. I do know that I need to write out how I feel about this though.

So, let's start by typing one word at a time and seeing what happens. This weeks topics are body image, self love, body love, birth control, aging, and all the fun things. I do not believe I've wrote about these items before on the blog. I usually write about my traveling adventures, figuring out who I am emotionally, I share my photography, etc. I just want to warn you up front (if I end up sharing this) that this entry will be different. While I travel I am still experiencing everything else. Life doesn't stop around you and give you a break. Like, your fairy god mother comes down and says,

"Hey! So, I heard you quit your job, you're having this spiritual awakening, & you're trying to figure your life out! You know what, as a bonus let me just help you. For the next few months calories don't exist, you'll wake up with the perfect physical body, I'll help you be a better partner in your relationship, AND you can still eat and drink what ever you want! Sound good?"

Yeah I wish. I wish so hard that was a thing. Some of you may know but I am continuing the rest of my year Single. I chose to end my relationship with a wonderful and kind man. I don't want to go into it but I do think we are still on good terms. It was not mutual but I had to do what I felt was right for both of us. I strongly believe in...if your gut is telling you something, trust it. So, that was hard. It's hard to end a good relationship, like for the most part we got along, neither of us drank, smoked, did drugs, hit each other, cheated, allllll the bad things, right? That's the first thing we ask someone when they end a relationship. 'Oh no! Did he cheat? I thought she was addicted to gambling! Never could trust them!' Like come on people, stop saying stuff like that. -Eye roll- Can't two people just realize it wasn't meant to be and go their separate ways?! Something doesn't have to be wrong with either of them. Even though it is hard to say, listen I love you but I'm not in love with you...its better than feeling like you are settling or wasting years of your life and someone else's. Especially if you can't see yourself with them 10 years from now. After the break up I felt 'okay.' I'm not sure if you ever feel like you are 100% confident with your decision. It's never easy, and there are many times I still miss him. But, those are times for me to check in with myself and ask if I just need attention, or I need his attention. That has been the biggest change during the 50 days I've been in Kentucky.

I've also held a grudge against my relationship that I need to release. I've been low key disappointed that I've been in Kentucky this long, and in my mind it was because I was coming home to be active in my relationship. Which I didn't want to do, but when you are with a partner you give and take, right? Then, I ended up coming home to a ended relationship & my moms driveway. So, this is me being a baby. Knowing full & well, I could have stayed a week or two and packed up and gotten back on the road. But, I didn't. I let excuses come up, I got comfortable, and I actually used my body as a reason to stay.

So, let's get to the Body issue. Ugh. I feel safe in saying that I haven't felt comfortable in my body for all of 2019. Actually, there have been some moments that I have absolutely hated my body. I wanted to change this when I got home in August. I signed up for a month of Hot Yoga which cost $140 for unlimited classes. I went to 16 out of 30 days. My first round of Hot Yoga was in late 2017/early 2018 for three months and I felt like I lost a ton of weight. I'm not kidding, I felt slim but strong, tone, and sexy. I got addicted! Then I travel, indulge in food all over the country, indulge in wine and drinks, I hike, I work out on the road, I eat dessert, I sleep, I do yoga, etc. Life goes on. I don't count calories, I don't diet, I don't hide my body for the most part, I don't wear make up, I smile, I laugh, I cry. What I am saying there is that I don't go out of my way to be healthy but I also don't eat out of control and then lay around for months. I'm just average. And those ways have worked for me...for years. I've been lucky enough to have an awesome metabolism, high testosterone, and a 6 ft frame that carries everything well. But, I'm really starting to feel like I'm 29 years old. And sometimes it just HITS ME. Like, fuck. What you've been doing for years isn't going to cut it anymore. You can't not watch what you eat and not work out. You can't nonchalantly put on 10 pounds and then work out for 2 weeks and it just disappears. Like, the weight that is on me, is staying. I am extremely proud of myself for the month of Hot Yoga I did in August. After about 5 classes I started to feel mentally better about myself and after about 8 classes I felt like I could see a decrease in bloat and my stomach  deflating a little. But, that month came to an end and quick. I did not sign up for another month due to the price and due to the Orlando and Northeast trip I had planned in September. It's silly to pay $140 for maybe 6 work out sessions? (I know excuses...excuses) Now that I am back from my Northeast trip and I head back out west in a day (this will be in the past by the time/if you read this) I have more time to pick on my body.

Have you ever struggled like this? Am I being dramatic? Sometimes I wonder if my body is really physically changing or if there has been a mental shift inside of me and it's making me pick on things I never saw before or things I'm making up. It's like all the sudden, some filter was pulled off of my eyes. I currently hate looking at photos of myself. My brain automatically tears myself apart. When I see photos of myself, I'm noticing the scaring and discoloration of my face. 3 weeks ago I obsessed over my left eye brow being higher than the right eyebrow...like I almost had a melt down in front of the mirror as I was filling them in. Like, what the fuck, no one thought to tell me that my face is crooked? Side note: I sound like a physcopath but this was a real thing. Like, this shows how out of control body image issues can get. It sounds a little funny as I am typing this out...and it's okay to laugh lol but I think (hopefully) we all go through this?

Now when I look at photos I notice my undefined jaw line, my small mouth, my bloated upper arms, and my waist that looks like it is getting thicker and thicker! For the first time, I have a layer of fatty tissue on my stomach and waist. I can't even touch my stomach. That is a true statement, it's a hard statement to type and even harder to admit to. But, I can't touch my stomach. I don't want to look at it in a mirror and I don't want clothes that cling to it. I don't know why I feel this way. I don't understand why my mind sees this change in my body and considers it a bad change. I don't know why I feel shame or embarrassment. I am actually paranoid that people look at the pictures I post and go, 'oh wow, looks like she's 'enjoyed herself' on her travels, dang she's put on some weight.'  -Insert rational thought here- I doubt anyone is saying that, I doubt anyone even notices changes in my body. And if they do....then why can't I tell me self, so what? Who cares? You are a human. Your body is capable of amazing things. Your body has helped you walk 15 miles in one day. Bike 12 miles in 1.5 hours, set up camp in 30 minutes, and lift Chibi in and out of bed. Your body is capable of amazing things and you're lucky you can live every day without pain or a disability. There are people out there that have real problems and you're sitting here complaining about some layer of fat on your waist...
-end rational thought-

This brings me to social media. I'm on Instagram constantly! I've had to go through and unfollow all Kardashians, anyone that uses photoshop, actresses, social media influencers, make up moguls, expert yoga instructors, etc. I can't compete with it. I think social media gives us complexes that don't even exist. Like, the eye brow thing...who in the hell notices that one of their eyebrows is taller than the other? Social media and modeling helped me realize I have spider veins on my calfs and back of my thighs. After someone let me know they had to edit out my veins and if I could wear panty hose next time it would save a lot of time. Okay...insert new insecurity here. Oh wait, an ad for teeth straightening and whitening, now I need some veneers and some lip fillers to go with my new teeth & insecurity. Great, Cardi B had a baby 3 weeks ago and she already has abs...I've never even had a baby and I've never had abs! Another insecurity. It feels like everyone on social media is physically beautiful and as I scroll through my feed I see my own reflection through the screen. Blotchy face, chicken fuzz pony tail, double chin, and one eye smaller than the other.

 I remember taking this photo while in Yellowstone and thinking...wow what freedom they have from self-judgement.

So, what do you think? Do you have these same thoughts, insecurities, & moments? Do you think our bodies are changing and we have to adjust with them and give ourselves grace? Or are they changing and we have to kick our butts into gear and do double time to stop the change? Maybe we aren't changing at all and it's just our mental shift as we get older?

I feel like I should have been able to turn this post around into something positive. But, I'm just not there yet. I apologize. I haven't figured out this portion of my life and I think I have a long road to go.  I had to start somewhere though and maybe by just getting out my thoughts and feelings and trying to untangle the emotion will help. There will be more to come on this topic because I would also like to talk about the #bodypositive movement and how people are able to embrace all of their physical self. Like, when is it okay to say, "Yup I put on weight, I don't like it but I'm still me, I'm still valuable, I'm still sexy, I'm still wanted, and I still love myself?"

My go to pose to accentuate my waist...not sure how well it works. The closed eyes surely helps! ha!