Money, work, anxiety, & coming home? - 2/15/20

Please enjoy these photos taken by Cass Hefty while we were visiting Cape Cod this summer. 

Choo-Choo! Here comes the anxiety train! Wow, have I been on this train for a minute! I've been struggling with anxiety for about a month now and I am struggling to jump off this raging train. First, let's look at the definition of anxiety.

noun, plural anx·i·e·ties.

• distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune: He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.
• earnest but tense desire; eagerness: He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.
• Psychiatry. a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder.

Thank you Dictionary.com

Even some of those words give me anxiety. State, apprehension, tension, disorder, uneasiness, fear, danger, ahhhhhhhh make it stop! My anxiety has turned into an obsession, which has turned into stress, which has turned into less sleep, unhealthy eating, negative self-talk, weight gain, and the list goes on and on. I would say I have struggled with stress and anxiety for years. I feel that my natural state in general is to be anxious. Sometimes if I am in a state of perfect bliss and happiness my anxiety wakes up. Like when you have a Charlie horse in your calf in the middle of the night and you wake up all sweaty, and you try to get up but the covers are wrapped around you, and you have to roll out of bed and onto the floor.

- Like, SURPRISEEEE, Bitch! Remember when you said that stupid thing to that guy on a first date in 2012 and he looked at you funny and then you made a joke that was completely politically incorrect and he never texted you again? Of course you remember, well you were wearing this exact shirt when that happened! Ha, try not to say anything stupid again, okay? Alright, well good luck...ill just be in the corner of your brain replaying all the times you got embarrassed and your entire body turned blotchy red for everyone to see....okay, enjoy your perfect day! -

Hopefully, one of you have experienced that? Or something like it? If not, don't tell me. Because then I will get anxiety of you judging my thought process. 

So, let's talk about now. Why do I have anxiety now? And you know, as I am typing, I am figuring this shit out as I go! I wish I could be one of those really organized bloggers that always has a problem and solution in their posts, in perfect order also. Yeah, that's not me. I type for therapy. When I am lucky as I am typing I diagnose my self or stumble upon a solution to my problem. The only 2 things I can hope for in my writing (when it comes to my audience) is I provide some helpful info or that I entertain you.

I'm just going to put it out in the universe. I am anxious over the following things -

• Money & Work - I'm stretching the 12 month budget I had in 2019 and I have $1,700 left before I have to break into my savings. Of course 2020 insurance, registration, and RV repairs ate a huge chunk of that 12 month budget I had managed to save. That's okay, at least I had the money and didn't use a credit card. I've also drastically changed my lifestyle the past 4 or 5 months. Living and working at the RV parks saves me rent and utilities, I also only eat out twice a week compared to at least 6 times a week like the rest of the year, I shop at discount grocery stores, changed the dogs food to something cheaper but still healthy, I delivery drive for Walmart and Spark, and don't shop. I'm doing better mentally now but that was a difficult shift. Because I've always had money and I'm not saying that to brag but since I was 18 I've worked hard to never have to worry about money. Of course I still have a 401k, stock, and savings account...so 'I have money' as my mom would say. But, I don't have money coming in, it's only going out. Thus, the reason for anxiety. 
• Charlie - this damn dog. I love her SOOO much. But, there is a part of her that I will never understand. Which is funny...because its anxiety. It's her anxiety. She has anxiety around other dogs and men. She's reactive. Very reactive to other dogs. So, living in close quarters in an RV park can have its challenges. She's not like Chibi. Chibi could sit outside the RV for hours and lay there, letting people and dogs walk all around her and not have a worry in the world. But, Charlie just has to see a dog about 50 ft away and she thinks she has to puff up and assert dominance. It's the most embarrassing thing to have to restrain your dog and squirt her in the face (with a dog training squirt bottle) to 'attempt to calm her down' or really take her focus off the other dog to get her to walk away. This is a constant anxiety for me but especially now as I am traveling to Phoenix, AZ for my birthday for 6 days and living them with a baby sitter. That will have to walk them outside. Ugh I'm contemplating spending the money that I don't have and putting them in a kennel. At least I know the 'worst case possible' wouldn't happen and they would be secluded while I was gone. 
• Leaving my Workamping job - By the end of March I will have completed 5 months of workamping in Salem, OR. In February I have decided to make March my last month. I need to get back on the road. I need to feel the heat and be mobile again. I have anxiety over letting the campground know I will be leaving. I feel that I have learned what I can and if I stay much longer I will start to resent my decision to stay during the summer time. I'll just leave it at that. 
• New relationship - I have been given the opportunity to experience traveling with a partner. So, far what we have experienced together has been wonderful. I will say, he feels like home. Although most of our time together has been long distance we have plans to travel full time together. I am creating a lot of pressure and anxiety around this. I have communicated my anxieties and fears with him and he understands and is patient. I guess...it almost feels like it is to good to be true, so I am trying to poke as many holes in it as early as possible. So, if we are going to fall apart...we fall apart early. But, I pray that I trust my gut and I trust myself. And I want to let him love me. Updates to come on this. 
• Body image and weight gain - Already wrote a post about this, not going to beat a dead horse. 

Thinking about 'now' makes me think of the past. It makes me think about how amazing 2019 was. It was my freaking year, man! I turned my life upside down. I did the impossible. I was so brave, wild, courageous, and free. Or those are words people have used to describe my journey. But, that is some freaking pressure! How do I beat 2019? For some reason I am putting pressure on myself and trying to compare years. And of course this is a big year for me. In the month of February I turn 30! It makes me feel like everyone is waiting to see what I will do next. And if I just do the same thing again...well that's nothing new. This is one thing I am anxious about. The second thing is creating a goal for 2020. In 2019, I had multiple goals. Leave my career, sell my house, sell/donate all belongings, buy an RV visit 48 states, get a workamping job, the list goes on and on. It is now the beginning of February and I'm not sure what my goals are. It's like I'm at a cross roads and I'm just standing here listening to the wind blow and feeling the dust on my skin. So you know what...I need to create some goals. Right here, right now. 

2020 Goals 

• Find a job that pays RV Gas, propane, insurance, food, dog expenses, RV repairs, entertainment, etc. 
• I have had no luck in this department. I have been looking for about 4 weeks now. One of my problems is that I don't know what I want to do, so I'm applying for everything. I also don't have a degree or experience in he typical virtual or remote jobs. For instance, travel nurse, accountant, travel agent, software developer, etc. 
• Lets add some positive feedback to this section! (Yay for me; trying positive self talk.) I have spent hours on my resume updating it, I've updated LinkedIn, and spend hours a week on job search engines. So, I am making moves. 
• Stay on the road.
•  I miss the road. I miss it so much. I CANNOT wait to get back on the road! At the time I was writing this entry I had been stationary for 4 months. 4 months in wet and cold Salem, OR. I can tell that the seasonal depression is kicking in. It doesn't help that I can see all of my friends on social media enjoying the warmth of the South and moving whenever they want.
• More positivity: I am creating a plan to get back on the road by the beginning of April!
• Improve my physical health.
• Just recently I posted an entry about body image. I wrote that entry in October and guess what, negative self talk and negative body image is still a thing, 4 months later. I would like to either improve my physical health by losing weight, gaining toned muscle mass, a smaller waist, and less bloat. Or I want to just get over it, and love myself as I am. 
• Positive thought: I just need to do what makes me feel good! Like walking the dogs in the morning, waking up early, rollerblading, riding my bike, and every once in a while indulge in a snack day. I am also starting to look in the mirror and tell myself that I Love Myself! 
• Create business plan for RV Campground
• I am totally addicted to this RV lifestyle. And I want to be an entrepreneur! So, what better business to invest in! More to come on this. But, my passion is creating a RV campground on the East coast and making it a family business.
• Go skydiving.

I feel like that is a good start? It does make me feel a tad bit better seeing my goals written down. And then it gives me a butt load of anxiety. I automatically start the negative self talk and the judging.  As soon as I read those bullets back to myself, I started putting my self down. And I don't understand where that comes from. I use to be so creative and such a dreamer. I'd make up elaborate stories in my head and be able to type them out and complete a novel in a week... as a pre-teen of course. Why do we lose this? This passion, this confidence and eagerness! Why did I lose this? 

I have noticed that my emotions can overrule facts and reality. I can imagine the worse case scenario and I can poke holes in every idea. When it comes to myself I give no grace or understanding. How do you conquer this? How do you speak positively to yourself and keep yourself on the positive train?

In full disclosure I started writing this post towards the end of a 4 day depression stint. Then 2 days later when the gray clouds lifted I came back and revised this post a little bit. Currently, I am sitting at a coffee shop re-reading this entry and I am in a better head space although the sky is still gray and it's still freezing outside. But, I've completed a 22 hour fast, worked out, tanned, cleaned, and let myself just lay in bed and stare out the window. I believe that forcing myself to do things I enjoy has helped my anxiety. I've roller bladed before walking the dogs, I've gotten up earlier, gone to bed earlier, stopped snacking, stopped drinking, and encouraged myself to get out of the RV and into a public space to work on my next travel plans. I've had to be my own accountability partner! SO, not only do I want to know how you speak to yourself and how you show love to yourself but also what do you do to hold yourself accountable, or do you have a accountability partner?

Finally, a semi sexy & good looking shot. I just wanted one photo to post for my 30th. :laughing cry face: