COVID-19, Chibi Mae, & Casa Grande Update - 4/7/20

Casa Grande sunrises

Hello from sunny Arizona! The girls and I arrived in Casa Grande, AZ the evening of March 23rd after 3 days and 1,100 miles on the road. As of today we’ve been here for 12 days. By now we have settled in and made ourselves comfortable. It doesn’t feel like ‘home’ but it is as close as we can get. I am very grateful to have a safe and beautiful place to stay with people I enjoy during this weird time.

Gregory's set up while boon docking

Today I had to set an alarm and force myself to get out of bed. Charlie had Gregory and I up at 7:30 AM but I didn’t physically get up until 8:45 AM. (Gregory let Charlie out back for me.) I then had coffee with Kurt, his dad. (We are parked in his yard.) During our morning coffee conversations we discuss the stock market, COVID-19, what we did the previous day, favorite movies, and the conversation goes from serious to light and back and forth. After my second cup of coffee I took Charlie for our late morning walk to the local school. We walked our lap around the track and then played in the now dying grass. I made a few phone calls, ate a bowl of cereal, and now I’m sitting by the pool and staring off in space.

It seems like it is the beginning of the end of the world here. Casa Grande is already a small sleepy city full of older members of society. But, due to COVID-19 it’s even slower. Bars, restaurants, movie theaters, malls, state parks, national parks, coffee shops, schools, day cares, hair salons, and anything else that is non essential is closed. You only go out to get groceries, liquor, or dog food. Last night the three of us all equally jumped at the chance to get in the car and ride to Chipotle just to order food and bring it home. We all wanted to get out of the house or off the property to ensure we weren’t the last humans alive. To make sure other people were out driving around and that life was still somewhat normal. The entire drive took about 25 minutes, we came in contact with two people at Chipotle, and then before we knew it we were back on our own private island. It is weird and I’ve noticed I’m starting to struggle with it. I’ll be honest, I don’t know if the lack of human connection and stimulation or maybe the lack of driving and exploring new things is effecting me? Or the recent passing of my oldest Great Dane is effecting me? Maybe it’s a combination of both or all things. I’ll admit that I don’t have a purpose during this time. Like, I don’t have something that is driving me or a goal I am reaching for. I’m kind of just floating in space right now waiting for something to happen…but I don’t know what I am waiting on? I think I am secretly hoping that the universe will let the perfect attitude, career, happiness, purpose, and situation fall in my lap. I don’t want to do any more work for it…I just want it to happen. Ha, what a selfish thing to think. I’ll admit it. I think I’m also using this COVID-19 virus as an excuse to not try. With everything closed including outdoor exploration it’s the perfect excuse to lay around and do nothing. To feel sorry for self. To lack motivation. To let self-doubt sink in. To not look at my phone or reply to phone calls and texts. I could camouflage this as self-care. But, it’s not. It’s me being lazy. ( I think )

Waking up at 5:00 AM to stand in line for toilet paper

What if this is depression? Yesterday when I woke up I had pain in my head and hips/legs. Just an aching dull pain and my eye lids felt a little swollen. I didn’t want to get up. But I didn’t have an excuse to feel this way. Nothing had happened. It’s not like I’ve been working out or working hard. I don’t have anything to actively stress out about. At first I tried to fight the tiredness and aching. I finally got out of bed and put some shorts on. I managed to take Charlie for a walk in the hot sun. We made it to the school but were unable to walk around the track due to other dogs playing off leash in the middle of it. So, we kept our distance and came home. I was hoping that the walk would energize me and breathe new life into my mindset but unfortunately I hoped wrong. As soon as I entered the RV I was back in bed and under the clovers. My head still felt heavy and my eyelids still swollen and as I lay there staring at the ceiling I could focus on the pain in my hips again. What is going on? Could I actually be physically sick? That would make me feel better…to know there was a reason for me not wanting to get out of bed. Could it be because I’m on my period? I mean I’ve only had 4 since I had my IUD removed and I’m not use to cramps and the whole process again. That could be it. Or maybe this is what it feels like to grieve? Chibi passed on the 3rd…just a few days ago. Since she passed that’s all I’ve been able to think about and the only time I get relief is when I am asleep. I can’t get her out of my head. When I look at Charlie I imagine Chibi laying beside her. When I pet Charlie I compare her body to the last time I touched Chibi. When I sit in silence sometimes I can hear Chibi sneeze or shuffle in her bed. She has just been a constant in my life for almost 8 years and especially the last 16 months. We slept 10 feet away from each other, ate in the same space, walked beaches, mountains, and parking lots together. She was just always there. And now she’s not. This must be what it’s like to grieve.

Writing this entry has at least let me explain my emotions and confusion inside myself. It has helped me pinpoint possible causes of my tiredness, lack of motivation, and unsettled mind. I may not find a solution today but I’ve already completed some tasks that are moving towards improvement. I did get out of bed today, Charlie and I did complete our entire walk, I have completed a blog entry, I have checked in with loved ones, and so for today that is what I will focus on.

What are you focusing on during this time?

What is your situation like? Have your plans been canceled or changed?

Do you feel the need to be productive or validated during this epidemic?

Are you able to relax or slow down during the quarantine?

Let me know how you are doing or share your survival tips with all of us! I know I’m not the only one that is starting to struggle during this unique time.

Thinking of you all and as always thank you for taking the time to read and for your support!

Our last day together.

My view this morning.