My reaction to The End - 7/25/19

Hi guys! Tour #3 is almost complete. I will arrive back in Kentucky this Sunday the 28th. It's amazing to me that it is already the end of July. I can still remember October 2018 when I put in my notice to work, January 2019 when I went on my first tour, May 2019 when I started the plans for tour #3. Now...the end of tour #3 is here. This ending has me in a panic. I don't know how to explain it or why I am feeling this way but I will attempt to write about both of those feelings.

Also, this post may not have a purpose or a life lesson...or be anything to relate to. But, I have found when I am mentally struggling it is best for me to put my feet in the grass or a body of water, stretch, and write.

Tour #3 ending has me thinking about THE END. The end of my year, the end of travel, the end of 'finding myself' or my passion. As I type that sentence my chest tightens, my throat aches, and tears start to drip down my cheeks. To me it is such an anxiety inducing thought to not do what I am doing.  To not wake up in the RV, to not trip over the dogs as we are all trying to get outside at once, to not make dinner in a square ft of counter space, to not wake up in a different place every other day. It's not hard to imagine a life different from this. It's not hard because I have lived a life completely different than this my entire life. But, I am struggling to imagine myself back in that old life.

I believe another reason I started thinking about the end of my journey is due to the physical changes of the landscape. This year I have lived in some of the most breathtaking regions. Just this week I woke up on the edge of a cliff over looking 75 million years of history. Rock formations, gullies, and caves that were once an ocean floor are now a playground for big horn sheep and coyotes. My favorite moments are in the middle of the night and then when my eyes open in the mornings. Such extreme differences. I sleep facing the open window, sometimes with the screen open so I can hang my hand outside and feel more of the breeze. At night I listen to the nocturnal creatures wake and stir, I watch billions and billions or stars light up the landscape, I imagine what it must have been like to discover this land and sleep in this darkness and unknown with nothing but your horses. Such beauty and yet so much to be cautious about. In some places I get to stare at a mountain range and imagine them being created millions of years ago. In the mornings watching the sun beam down on the snow capped peaks and imagine that a long time ago glaciers helped shape the mountain range we see today. Silent moments like this are so humbling. The moment I was lucky enough to photograph a bear in Lassen Volcanic NP. The ability to leave him as he was, free, and safe. Not behind bars or in a zoo. I remember the moment I heard my first bald eagle scream and the moment I witnessed two bison challenge each other. There is a whole world out there. A whole world that has nothing to do with fast cars, bigger houses, deadlines, and obligations, meetings, and calendar invites.

I don't know where I am going with this. Other then, I am grateful that I have had the opportunity to experience this other world. I am grateful for the alone time, the silence, the challenges, the unknown. I am grateful that I have made this happen. I am grateful that I have kept this promise to myself. I am grateful for 2019.

I also need to pull my head out of my ass and realize that this year is not over. Not even close. It's just so easy to focus on a negative thought and let it spiral out of control. All it takes is one thought and if you do not control it quick enough it turns into a whole chapter in your head, an obsession if you will. Then, that old world and old me creeps in. "You don't have a plan, you haven't figured out your passion, you haven't done the work to secure this lifestyle, it's all over."

Why must we have a plan? Why do we pressure ourselves to figure it all out NOW!

Figure out your life now!

What do we ask kids that graduate High School? "Where are you going to college? Have you applied anywhere? What are you going to do with your life now?" What about young adults early in their jobs or careers? "You haven't been promoted yet? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Is your resume updated, always stay prepared!" What about a couple that just got engaged? "Whens the wedding?! Now you can start making babies! I bet your parents can't wait to be grandparents! Will you combine your bank accounts? Surely, you'll buy a bigger house? You haven't booked the church yet?"

I think we need to do a better job at not pressuring each other. Yes, I have been guilty of this but I am making stride to be more aware. Let the kids be kids! Why are we trying to 'grow up' so fast! I have met so many people now that have no clue what they want to be when they grow up! And that's every age range. We put these thoughts in each others heads and then we do what we think we are suppose to. Graduate high school, go to college, get a degree in...something? We aren't really sure why we do this but we do know that is what we are suppose to do. Oh, that degree, it'll help me get a job...in something. I don't really know what. Go into debt for school, but it helps get the job. So now you can pay off your debt. Now, you need a decent looking car (in case you have to drive a 'important' person to a lunch meeting) More debt. Establish yourself in a suburb, start looking for your 'soul mate', attend every family and friend obligation, go to sleep, wake up, have kids, have fights, try to pay off debt, have a breakdown, give it all up.

Okay, now that I am re-reading that, it sounds like I'm in a dark place. But, I'm not...I promise. I'm just brainstorming and 'writing out loud.' I thought of deleting a lot of this and not sharing it...I know some of this may sound scattered or it is not popular opinion. But, the point of writing is to get this all out and to share my whole truth. But, I understand if this isn't your favorite post.

I guess I need to go back to the point of that 'pressure paragraph' above this. The questions was...'Why do we pressure ourselves to figure it all out NOW!' I understand that some of us have no option. I understand that at this time in my life, I do have an option. So, I am not going to figure it all out now. I am going to give myself some grace. I am going to allow myself to feel what I am feeling and I am going to do so without judgement. I am going to allow myself to continue to sleep in if I want. I will allow myself to periodically cry for no reason. I will allow myself to stretch and meditate 10 minutes longer if that is what I need. I will also allow myself to continue to do the work. I will push myself to recognize these feelings and acknowledge them. I will push myself to write and get the thoughts out of my head. I will push myself to speak my future into existence. I will also push myself to create travel plans for the rest of the year and recognize that there is no real ending.

Over time, I will help myself realize that life is the adventure. Whether I am sleeping at the base of a mountain, swimming in a pool below a waterfall, or sitting on a couch folding laundry. My year is never over. I am putting in the work now to change my life forever. And whether I like it or not, days like today when I am struggling, are still apart of the adventure and shaping my forever.

Once again thanks for reading....even if maybe this time it was nonsense. Hopefully, some of you were able to make sense out of it. Who knows, if I was able to help 1 person...it was worth it. On a lighter note, today I travel 130 miles closer to Kentucky and tomorrow evening I will be in Indiana. I am excited to see my loved ones and spend time with you, my supporters! Just know that I never take your support, grace, and encouragement for granted!