What I have learned about myself 12/23/18

Currently my days consist of creating to-do list, organizing personal belongings, self education on affordable traveling, creating a brand, wrapping Christmas presents, and keeping myself focused and 'on track.' But, what does 'on track' mean at this point? My journey started months ago and I feel like my travel date has been pushed farther and farther back. 

⇣

My greatest fear at this point is that I will never start my journey. 

⇡

Somedays that is exactly what it feels like. The struggle for me is trying to be my own motivation and back bone. This is a decision that I have made on my own and I need to complete the decision on my own. I have learned a couple of things about myself since starting this journey.

• I do need reassurance from others and I do need their approval. I noticed that is why I waited to discuss this journey with anyone until I absolutely had too. For example, I had to tell my sister about my adventure because she lived in the home and a FOR SALE sign was being put in the yard that morning. I think that it is okay to need reassurance and approval but I would like to do a better job of not letting other individuals feedback and comments sway my decision making. I want to improve my confidence in myself and I want to defend the decisions that I make and of course own up to it when things do not go as planned. 
• I do not like to make decisions. I have lived the first quarter of my life letting things happen to me, believing that things happen for a reason, even the bad and using those events to strengthen  and mold me. This is the first big decision that I have made on my own without the advice or input of friends or family. Lately I have described myself as an ostrich with its head buried in the sand. I do believe that is a accurate description of how I have lived the past few years of my life. Sometimes, I do not want to know the truth and I will not go searching for it. I will say, 'well if it is meant to be it will happen.' In this new journey I am changing that thought process. I am forcing myself to take my head out of the sand, look at the truth around me, and decide what I would like to happen next. 
• I do not have as much faith in me as others have in me. I feel that I do a good job of pretending but really I am the only person or thing that has ever held me back. During this journey I want to push myself to make things happen, set goals, and achieve those goals. Currently, I do not make large or outlandish goals because I 'just know it will never happen.' But, look at me now. I have sold my home, (almost) donated a car, fixed a car, bought an RV, sold most of my furniture and material items, gone on a leave from my job...and the list continues. I have put myself in a position that I MUST have faith in myself and believe in myself. I will be successful in the next year. (Already practicing that positive reinforcement) 
• I indulge in feeling stress. I once told my therapist, 'I am addicted to stress.' It is almost like my mind needs something to keep it busy so it latches on to an event that could be perceived as stressful and it will not let go of it. That way I keep my mind busy for a few hours and I don't have to think about learning a new skill, running a business, working out, creating new goals for myself or wonder what my family is doing. All of those things sound like pleasant things and you would think it would be common sense to only think about the things you enjoy. But, I also told my therapist once, 'Maybe this is just life. You grow up, get a job, make some money, have a 401k, work harder, collect some things, buy a nice home and an affordable car, work harder, go on a vacation, and then work even harder because you were out for a week and you have to catch up, then one day you wake up and 30 years has passed, and you are still working but your car is paid for, the house is almost paid off, you have all of these shoes and silverware, and then you give advice to all the young people around you to live their life and follow their dreams because you wish that you had.' Typing that sounds sort of sad, but it is just what I said (maybe a little different.) And there is nothing wrong with that lifestyle! These are just my thoughts and feelings and I think that everyone has to find their inner peace and what makes them happy. Back to the point. The point is to learn how to manage stress and to realize that not everything has to be so freaking stressful. I am the only one that makes situations or events stressful. And I will start controlling this. I will recognize the facts of a situation, make decisions to influence the facts, and then create & own a solution. 

Gosh I see a lot of 'I' up there. Me, me, me! FYI - None of this would have been possible with out the family, friends, professionals, strangers, YouTube Videos, and Ted Talks that have helped along the way ;) 

I hope that the above does not have a negative tone as writing those things out helped me see a little clearer. Or at least it feels good that I can admit what my 'areas of improvement' are (thanks Amazon for the vocabulary) I told you I would tell the truth even when it may not have a perfect blue aura around it. 

As I was creating a To Do list today and organizing tax documents from the past 5 years I found an old memory card from a waterproof camera. I wanted to share these photos from 2016 on a couple of vacations I had gone on. One vacation to Panama City Beach and one to Key West. If these don't keep you motivated to travel more...I don't know what will!  :) 

PCB Area - Girlfriends Trip! This was one of my friends families property...like they literally woke up to this every day. 

Just another beautiful view of their property. I paddle boarded for the first time here! 

Underwater photo during PCB vacation. I still have this camera and am taking it with me on this big adventure! 

Key West! This was my first time in Key West which I took with a significant other.

Oh La La! Look at those nails girl! 

Nice artistic shot! I am going to have to play around with this camera more often! 

This photo describes this Key West vacation. The vacation had some of the most beautiful moments and then some of the most disappointing moments. Rough seas ahead!